"My heart it beats, beats for only you."

I know I have written this before, and for sure I've asked this question to many of you, but it's a topic of interest again.

Why do we allow ourselves to fall, helplessly, for another individual, when we know how bad it hurts when it all falls apart? What makes us so resilient to this pain and able to bounce back to try it again? Or, why do some people give up on love all together, not able to bounce back? What makes us fall for someone so hard, anyway?

Everyone knows that I fled America for Australia because of a broken heart (it was one of the leading reasons, any ways), so what would make me want to try and look for love again if I know how bad it can tear me apart? I have friends who I have seen hurt so bad due to relationships falling apart, but then I've been right there when they jump, head first, into it all again.

Are we crazy? Why do we need someone else to validate us? What is it that makes certain people so attractive and make our heart flutter just at the sound of their name?

I'm sure everyone has also been the person to like someone so much, only to know that you come second rate to the person that they are really crazy for. They could like you, but that other person makes them weak in the knees. I've wanted so bad to make someone's knees weak over me, but you can't force that.

I have all these questions, but I don't have any answers. I will be there to support my friends when what they want so bad falls apart, as I hope they would be there for me.

Now, don't start worrying about me. I don't have a broken heart or anything, I'm actually doing all right for myself, but I've just been contemplating this lately based on circumstance. We'll keep fighting to fall in love, knowing that we'll probably fall apart.

Also, I don't think I'm going to come back to America in September... instead, I think I will go to New Zealand for a couple of months. I'm not ready to go back! :)

Sarah came back from New Zealand and sparked that interest a little more. We went and got a pizza and drinks with some friends last night, and I'm about to go meet them again in the city. I also work 13 hours tomorrow! Eek!

Love,
Michaela

"Promise to laugh with me, not at me."

I am officially a busy woman again. I mentioned I was working two jobs, well I will be working about 70 hours this coming week, and 50 the following week. Probably will continue at that same amount for awhile... It's a lot, but I'm actually enjoying myself. I find myself antsy when I'm sitting at home, bored and itchy to do something. Both my jobs are fairly entertaining and I work with good people. I get pissed off a bit at the politics and the way the Icehouse is ran, sometimes... but, it's like any major company: it fails at caring about anything but money and numbers.

I've also been working on improving my ice skating, and would like to say I am becoming an okay hockey skater. I still have a lot of work to do, but it's a start. I still find it funny Australians are the ones helping me learn to ice skate. I also get to watch hockey games as part of my job. For a person who fought the hockey culture for so long, I'm immersed and loving it!

Australians are a very weird culture, as I've touched on in the past. They have imported so many different aspects of life and tried to mesh them into one culture. It works, I guess, but sometimes it just leaves me shaking my head and laughing to myself. Their television, for instance, fails. Their morning television shows have informercials every 15 minutes in them. Their news shows are worse then our local news at home. They import most television shows, but the ones that are their own are a mix between trying to be American television and using British humour. It's weird.

I make this comment while I watch the "hollywood report" and their making fun of all hollywood, while trying to be slapstick funny. It just makes me laugh, in all the wrong reasons.

All right, I'm off to work.

Love,

Michaela

You're sex is on fire.

If you know anything about me, you know I like Paramore. They are a band consisting of five individuals (Hayley, Josh, Jeremy, Taylor and Zac), all from Franklin, TN. I have been a fan ever since December 2005 when I decided to look up bands on myspace in my new hometown. I have grown up with them. They were a little awkward band that no one new and I have watched them blow up into worldwide stars. Hayley is a sex symbol now. But, they've stayed so down to earth. They love Franklin and you can see them going about there own business there. They are the most down to earth celebrities I know.

It's stupid, but I think of them as "friends." Not in the creepy, stalker way... but, in the "if you hurt, I hurt" kind of way. When bad media comes out, I get angry. I'm slightly protective over them and hate all the new fans that claim they heard them first. (Nuh, uh, biotch, I discovered them first!). There songs are personal and I can relate to everything they say. When I'm happy, I listen to Paramore... when I'm sad I listen to them... angry, excited, etc... they have gotten me through so much in the last 4.5 years. I have seen them 5 times in concert and met them in various, random places around Nashville. They are like old friends that happen to have made it VERY big.

So, long story short... I had a funny day today where I lost (another) pair of shoes at work and had to walk home barefoot. I walked around Melbourne city centre barefoot and took the tram home... not a pleasant experience. So, I was laughing off my embarassment, feeling slightly ashamed of myself, but mostly just shaking my head. So, I get online, and find out that Hayley had a nude pic leak through twitter.

The picture is just of her boobs, obviously meant for her boyfriend of two years, but was sent to thousands of twitter fans instead. At first, I was shocked, then I hurt for her. I soon forgot about my bare feet and wanted to give her a hug. I didn't judge her... as I wouldn't judge anyone in that situation. We all make mistakes. I don't condone taking naked pictures of yourself, especially if you are a well known figure, but we're all human. She is a person who is sexual and wants to experience the same pleasures we all do. No one can judge another for wanting to be a little sexual, or silly, or playful... or whatever it may be. With technology today, you have to be careful. It happens every day that someone is revealed in a way that they would have cared not to. But, I don't really think it should make us censor ourselves to the point we are scared of failing. I am not judging her, nor will I judge anyone else in similar situations (I will try not to, anyways).

I have made mistakes, and so have you... so, I hope the media can let it go. Boobs are boobs... we've all seen them. Surprise! Hayley has nipples... Surprise! She likes sex.

Who cares. Welcome to 2010. Everyone likes to be naked.

hahaha but, seriously... I'm barefoot. I really need to stop losing my shoes (second pair this week).

It's so crazy I couldn't even make this up if I tried.

I moved out of the hostel last Friday and now have an apartment with three friends. I'm paying $5 dollars more a month than I did in Sydney and I only have 3 roommates (not 7!). It's in an area that's known for the lady-boys, druggies, and crazies, though. So, naturally, I had a crazy encounter with what I call a "crazy."

I was slightly frustrated since I had been walking around trying to find an atm just to take out $20 to go pay my rent, as I was just short on cash. Finally, I found one (after about 45 minutes) and paid my rent at the office. I was walking back, minding my own business, when I first saw a rather large women standing outside of a building, talking to a dog, not wearing pants. I'm not saying she had a long shirt on that was covering shorts, or she was wearing leggings... she wasn't wearing pants. I could see her granny-panties.

I laughed to myself and kept walking.

I get up the street, and I start to hear "hey girl in the pink purse, turn around. hey, you turn around." So, naturally, I did... just to hear "what the fuck you looking at? why you looking at me bitch?"

me: "I didn't do anything." (I hadn't even noticed her until she called me to turn around) So, I turned around and kept walking, thinking she would back off. But, no, she followed me and kept yelling at me. I ducked into a convenience store/Internet cafe in order to escape her, but I heard her yell "Oh, you think an Internet cafe will stop me?" then she proceeded to walk in and get in my face. I grabbed an orange powerade, not even thinking, and went to the register to try and purchase it. She kept harrassing me, but I was ignoring her. Finally, a guy from the street walked in and got between her and I, asking her what I did and why she was bothering me. They got into it, so I snuck past with my powerade, and she got pissed that I tried to get by, and followed me out. The guy again stopped her, and I kept walking, looking back periodically. I then saw that she punched him in the stomach and walked away.

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go back and thank him, but I was scared she would see me and come back for me, so I just kept walking. Thanks dude, even though you won't read this.

Where do I meet these people?? Why do they flock to me??

Crazy people are attracted to me. It must be my scent.

Mardi Gras and random boat party. Gotta love Sydney 2010 :)

"For what it's worth it was worth all the while."

At McDonald's again stealing WiFi.  I think it's funny that Macca's in Australia offer free WiFi wherever you go.  Not many other places do, but you can always count on them for a heart attack in a box and your daily facebook fix.  Macca's really is a drug.

Anyways, life is falling into place a little bit more each day.  I believe I'm getting a place to live this week with three of my friends.  I also think I'm going to buy a bike and bike to work... transportation AND a workout.  Plus, I've told myself for years I was going to do this, so now is the time to start.  

Since I've now been here 6.5 months, I'm finding myself really Australian (well, a really Australian-American).  At work I say things like "Okay, one biscuit comes to $3.00" or "A lolly bag, lemonade, and a short black for $12.50."  

What I'm really saying is "Okay, one cookie..." or "A bag of gummy candies, a Sprite, and a shot of espresso."  

This reiterates the fact Aussies are lazy... they shorten EVERYTHING!  Americans really do tend to say a lot more when Aussies have figured out how to say it with a lot less.

Like, they say "ta" as an all encompassing "thank you, you're welcome, looks awesome, great service, nice seeing you."  

Perhaps we should adopt this, and with the invention of things like twitter and the usage of the iPad, we can just stop speaking all together.  Sound like a plan?

Also, last night Hilary, Mark, Scott, and I hit the town... went to a random club that kind of made me think of Alice and Wonderland, but a weird dark version (much like the Tim Burton one).  It had a doll house in it... but, it was cool any ways.  That's what I love about Melbourne, because you would never see that in Sydney.

And, being out on the town more and more in Melbourne it makes me miss Sydney and the times I had a little less.   I will never forget those times, since they were some of the best I've ever had, but I'm making new memories now.  There is so much time in life you are allotted to spend living in the past.  I think I've definitely used mine up, so here's to more good memories in Melbourne. :)

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish

To go back to a place much simpler than this

Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'

And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion

And all the pandemonium and all the madness

There comes a time where you fade to the blackness

And when you're staring at that phone in your lap

And you hoping but them people never call you back

But that's just how the story unfolds

You get another hand soon after you fold

And when your plans unravel

And they sayin' what would you wish for

If you had one chance

So airplane airplane sorry I'm late

I'm on my way so don't close that gate

If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight

And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night

Love, 

Michaela

Warning... I'm spilling my guts.

I now am officially employed at two places. I work at the Icehouse and at Metrop Cafe. At the Icehouse I spent most of my time taking customers orders/running food/cleaning. At Metrop Cafe I spend my time doing dishes, cleaning, and some more cleaning. However, they have promised me within a month I will be helping wait/serve during lunch rush and learn how to cook! They actually cook more than just burgers there... I'm talking fancy stuff I would learn how to make and make me look awesome on a resume. I'm pretty excited (if it happens...)!

I have, for a good couple of years, had this dream of wanting to own my own little dive of a restaurant. You know the show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives? I have an obsession with it and for years I have wanted to be a person who owns a quaint little shop that EVERYONE in town raves about. Not a big chain that "sells out" but a place that truly cares about it's customers. That's what I love about hospitality and one of the reasons I've chosen this life path. I can't sit in front of a computer all day or be on a phone... I want to talk to people and make them happy. I love working in cafe's. So, long story short, maybe I'm on to something and this little venture where I'm learning to cook (and I'm considered the head kitchen manager there...), could lead to something big. But, really, I still have no life plan. So, don't get your hopes up.

Conversation with Arron the other day:

Me: I'd like to think we'll still keep in touch after we leave Australia.
Arron: Yea, I'd be curious to know what you end up doing.
Me: haha yea, me too.

But, seriously, I do think I'm going to spend the next four to five months working, then will move to California with the savings I've accumulated. Maybe not necessarily stay in California long, but I only have a plane booked from Sydney to LA, and I don't plan on changing it. It will be nice to be a stranger... a backpacker... in my own country. Move around a bit and find a few odd jobs until I figure out what I want out of life. Well, that sounds misleading, because right now this is all I want.

***

Last night, Hilary, Scott, Mark and I went out on the town. Like I had mentioned previously, Melbourne likes to hide the best things in creepy alley ways, so I met them at "the alley way with the dumpsters at the corner of Swanston and Lonsdale." There Hilary was standing at a dead end, next to trash cans and probably a rat infestation. We went up some rickety steps to a bar space that fit maybe 50 people. It was filled with hipsters, but we had a great time. My way of blending in with the locals... while hanging out with an American and two Canadians! :P

What's funny, is I have met/hung out with more Canadians in Australia than I ever did back home. I had to go 9,000 miles away from North America just to make Canadian friends. There is something really ironic about that.

***

On a completely unrelated note, my friends back at Drake are graduating in the next week. Weird that it was only a year ago I was in that same position. I wish them all the luck with whatever their future holds. I know even a few of them have jobs/school secured, so congrats! :)

I remember last year that I was so depressed that I couldn't wait to be done with Drake because I thought it would solve all my problems. I thought getting away from the school that I had grown so attached to would cheer me up, but really, moving home killed me even more. I didn't have friends back home and I worked a shit job for shit pay (minimum wage for an Assistant Manager job??). It's hard to be happy when you have a $120,000 degree and you're making less than $500 every two weeks.

I hated myself for letting me be in the situation I was in. I hated Kipp for letting me get away. I hated my parent's for not caring enough. I hated my friends for all their successes. I hated anyone and everyone. I was so depressed and angry, but I never showed it. I kept it in and cried a lot.

One thing I have learned over the last year is you can't hold that anger in. Maybe don't lash out at the first thing you see, but talk it out.

When something pisses me off, I try to calm down and talk it out later. Whether it be just ranting to a friend or writing in a public blog. I let my feelings be known some how, because for so long I wanted everyone to think I was perfect and was more than just getting by. However, I'm now okay to let the world know I've sometimes been scraping at life with my fingernails, desperate to grab onto something... anything.

I'm no longer depressed, but if I was, I'd be more willing to go talk to someone about it now. Or, maybe just run away to another country again. haha

But, all that rambling really just makes me want to say to anyone and everyone graduating University that life sucks a lot sometimes, but keep your head up. Relish in the moments that make you laugh and forget about the people that make you cry. Whether you find your dream job right away or you aren't quite sure where you're going, it doesn't matter... no one life is better than the next. As long as you try towards something, you're doing just fine. And, never, ever choose a life plan to make someone else happy. You only life once, so live it the way YOU want.

*sigh* I ramble a lot.

But, hey... it's my blog, I can. :P

Plus, my life is fairly monotonous at the moment that there isn't a lot to write. Although, it's pretty funny that Commonwealth bank has now lost my card 2 weeks in a row now. TWO! I'm not sure how that's possible.

But, it's probably just because Aussie's are lazy. It's true.

Night!

Michaela