Not quite a victory, to run from your problems

I know some  of you have been waiting for me to write again. I cannot apologize as I've really had nothing to say or no idea how to put my thoughts into writing.  But, today I am going to try, as a promise to someone very close to me, to start communicating my feelings better.

I've always had trouble expressing my emotions to people and live most of my life in a walled up box of emotions that I'm unable to even explain to myself.  I went to Thailand as a sort of escape from both reality and my head. And, while Thailand helped me, in a way it has perpetuated a problem for far too long and is now exploding in front of me.

This problem is my ability to run from everything.  I have issues (always have) keeping friends because I just can't express anything real or figure out how to reach out and empathize.  It's hurt my relationships from day one.

But, I'm back and trying to be a better person, both for those close to me and for myself.

Thailand reaffirmed that I can live on my own.  I am comfortable being a stranger.  But, one thing I have never actually taken the time to do is be comfortable being known.  I mean commiting fully to realiationships, whether that me romantically, friendly or family. So, my goal for 2015 is to learn to be comfortable in my skin in a world that I have lived my whole life.  No travel. No escaping. Just being honest with myself.

These last two months have been filled with waves of crippling depression, restlessness and bouts of happiness. But, for once I don't feel like running.  I'm facing this head on.

2014 has been amazing and filled with the best memories. Thailand was a wild ride and I miss it almost everyday.  But, Des Moines, Iowa, is where my heart is currently and I'm very excited for what 2015 has in store.

Still into you.

I had promised myself I would be as honest as possible in my writings and cover both the good and the bad. Because, at the end of the day, this blog is for me. I still go back and read my Australia posts, just to remind myself where I was and where I am now.

My year and a half relationship has ended. Surprise. Surprise... Another long distance relationship bites the dust.

Sometimes the vision you see for your life and the one you work hard to build isn't shared by the person you love. Sometimes, you're not even loved the way you want to be. And, sometimes your life diverges so far from the person you once used to walk side by side with.

I made my shoes shine with my coal, 

but my polish didn't shine the hole

-modest mouse, edit the sad parts

The positive in all this is I have started a long road to realizing what I want in life and future partners. The last month has included a lot of soul searching.

I still stand firm on no marriage and no kids. But... I don't think love is so scary. Not as scary as it used to be. It's kind of nice to have someone to love you and come home to.

I know that person is out there somewhere. Hopefully, they're adventurous and climbing a mountain in Nepal or partying in the streets of Ecuador.

Anyways... I wanted to write to say goodbye to what was and welcome what comes next. I'm sad and hurt... But, heck... I'm in Thailand! What's there to be sad about?! And, perhaps... It just hasn't hit. Hasn't registered in my brain. I'm not looking forward to when it does.

Tomorrow morning I leave for a school camping trip for a couple days. 

Next on the blog will be... Toilets. Per request!

I've Never...

There are so many things I could write after that...

"I've never..."

And, I'm ashamed to say more often than not my fear keeps me from actually doing a lot of the things I've never done. For example:

I've never sang karaoke.

I can't sing. Have a fear of singing. I don't like being the center of attention. And, I really don't like loud noises. Karaoke combines all of this into one little bubbly connection of misery.

But, each class had a New Years party and I showed up to one of my favorite classes, EIS 5 (that stands or English Integration and the 5 is the grade, similar to our 11th). They had food, presents and... Karaoke.  They insisted I sing. I insisted I not. But, they won and I did. Lets just say they weren't pleading at me to do another :)

There are no videos of me singing, but there's the real party :) Happy New Year!

You're the only one you've got.

I've never been very good at following through with things, hence I haven't written in here since November... NOVEMBER! 

 Let me just apologize sincerely, say some stupid excuse like I've been busy, and lets move on, shall we? :D 

 The top 10 things I did in Decemer you may care about, in no particular order...

 1) I saw the Mekong River. It's the world's twelfth longest river. Okay, so it doesn't even break the top 10, but hey, it's got an amazing, bloody history. And, I could wave at Laos. It was kind of cool.

 2) I have learned to count to 999,999 in Thai. One of these days I'll get around to learning a million, but I don't make that much money so it's not pertinent. I can have basic conversations in Thai and even haggle!! Three months ago I was wide eyed and so naive. I get ripped off less and less nowadays. 

 3) I celebrated the Chinese Holidays with the Chinese Thais. I ate egg wontons and spring rolls and cheered on a big, dancing Tiger. 

 4) I celebrated Christmas with my Buddhist Thai students. We sang Christmas carols, made ornaments (which, I am still finding glitter on EVERYTHING I own), and played games. I also judged a dance completion, complete with Lady boys, short skirts, horrible lip synching and choreography and provocative hip shakes. Thai-style! 

And, I danced my butt of for 3 minutes in front of 2,000 high school students. 

 5) I started to accept myself for the imperfect person I am. I never say the right things at the right time. I'm an okay listener, but can't give advice to save my life. I either over lecture or I just say "suck it up." I forget to respond to messages and am overall just not a person who knows how to open up to people. I'm uncomfortable in gatherings and much prefer one on one.  I struggle to find peace within my mind, in order to be peaceful, I must always be on the move. But, I'm learning to be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend and all around person. I'm stubborn as hell, but I promise I'm listening and I read all your comments and feel truly love and blessed by all those in my life. Even though I may never say it. I practice yoga regularly now and am finally learning to calm my mind.

See... Even this post is jumbled. Mom, remember in Kindergarten when I got an F for story telling? Yep. Still failing. 

Anyways, December made me face a lot of things I have ignored for awhile. Thank you to those of you who are helping me be a better person.

 6) I celebrated Sports Day. Now, as I write this I'm still not entirely sure what its for. But, most schools around Thailand celebrate Sports Day for a couple of days. There were marching bands, drill teams, ladyboy dancers, and Olympic style competition between colored teams! 

7) I visited my first Thai each. Koh Samet sits about 3 hours east if Bangkok. It's a National Park and is a popular weekend trip for Bangkok-dwelling Thais. I lounged all day on beautiful beaches, got multiple massages (a word of warning... Oil massages in Thai include being completely nude, minus underwear if you choose, and they massage everything. Ever had a boob massage from a complete stranger? I have.), ate lots of beach food and celebrated New Years on the beach. What a wonderful way to end 2013. 

 8) I've learned a bit of Japanese. Justin will tell you I'm horrible, but proud to say I've learned 7 words now.

 9) I learned that going 4 months without a cheeseburger makes a cheeseburger so. damn. delicious.

 10) I made and strengthened friendships with people around the world.

Here is to a wonderful 2014 where I promise to (try) to be a little less stubborn, angry and judgmental and a lot for smiley, fun, caring and open.

Hope you are able to look inside, be honest with yourself and start fixing you, too!

Love, Michaela