Everything I ever wished I could've said. "This is my plea... won't you listen?"

"please stop saying things you don't mean
don't expect me to agree
you don't need to drive the point home
so don't baby don't
you don't have to lie to me again
you don't have to try and be my friend
you don't have to tell me that you're better off alone" -Umbrella, Degrassi

"Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love and take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can’" -Dear John, Taylor Swift

"Listen when I say, this can't be
Hear my words, set me free."

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Des Moines, IA. The city I ran from... all the way to Australia. Here I am again, and I forget how pretty it is. The crisp, cold air (whips through straight to the bone). The color of the trees. The skyline. I still love you Des Moines, even though you broke me down.

Things have changed, and I have driven past some of the spots that used to hold such ugly memories from me, and I couldn't think one bad thought. I actually could appreciate them again. The happiness that I thought was perhaps only based on where I was physically; but, alas, it is truly mental. I'm happy... even right next to a campus that, for so long, I thought offered me nothing except heartbreak. I see Drake for what it was... a challenge that I had to overcome. It offered me some amazing friends and amazing lessons. I can look back now and see the fun I had... the crazy moments and the times I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. The late nights and random moments. The close friends and the passerby... every little moment that was so good is still there in my mind, just for so long I couldn't see them because I focused on all the bad. And, the bad was such a tiny moment of my whole Drake career. I can see now that Drake was amazing.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

As I was driving around today I heard this song a few times... September by Daughtry. Beautiful.

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

***

Remember, the bad in your life does not define you... it is how you handle it that makes you who you are. I'm still learning to this day... learning and growing. I still have issues in my life, whether it be personally or external... but, I like to think that I'm learning how to take things in stride, listen to other people before making judgements, and remember to always forgive.

Love,

Michaela

Nu Yawk Citay.

Love this city.

Spent a few days with Rhino (aka Brooke) and now am showing this city to Arron and Vlad.

I will live here some day.

"Life is short, so be young and stupid."

I love fall. It has always been my favorite season.

The colors in the trees and the crunchy leaves on the ground. I like when the air starts to get a little cold and crisp, but the sky is still clear, and sunny.

So, on that subject... an American tradition is high school senior pictures, which I had done in fall. It's been 6 years since I had these taken.

That's six years of my life that hasn't happened yet in these photos. Do you ever do that when you look back at photos, try and see the innocence that was in your eyes? The naivety?

These photos are meant to be a send off from high school and a hello to college. In high school I was a shy girl who just hoped to get out from her hometown; she hoped there was a bigger world. Since this photo was taken I've moved to Iowa, Tennessee and Australia... I've dated and made friends, had broken hearts and lost friends. I've felt like I didn't belong and felt on top of the world. I've cried hard and I've laughed harder.

Six years of life have happened. Do you ever stop to take that in? Take in the weight of that?

Today, I walked home from work on a back pathway, admiring the beautiful orange, brown, golden trees... jumping on all the leaves on the ground, marveling at their crunch. I finished one week of work, being a master office receptionist.

Now, I get to spend the weekend hanging out then going to New York on Tuesday to see Panda and Rhino (aka Arron and Brooke).

Get out and enjoy the weather before it turns brutal!

Love,

Michaela

"I remember the day a kind, simple hello changed my life forever."

500 Days Of Summer

Amazing movie. Amazing story. So relate-able.

Tom runs into Summer, now that she is married, and wants to know how she could never commit to being his boyfriend but is now someone's wife...

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

"When someone sees the same people everyday, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

The Alchemist

Well, here goes nothing.

Why hello there, didn't expect to see you again so soon. Yea, I didn't intend to write for awhile because I didn't think I had anything interesting to say. But, I have a rant that I need to get out.

I am embarrassed to be an American right now. Maybe this is because I've been so sheltered from everything that's been going on and I'm being thrown into the fire, so to speak... everything is bombarding me at once, but I don't think that's fully the case.

I have spent many years of my life defending my country. Sure, I'll make jokes at America's expense, but I do love my country. I am and will always be an American. But, I have never EVER hated my country as much as I do right now.

It's because of politics. Religion. Hatred. To me, they've all become one.

I read that there was a pastor in Florida that was planning a Quran burning because people were having issues with a Mosque being built by the World Trade Center. No, he didn't go through with it, but the fact that anyone would even suggest this OR support it, disgusts me. Who cares if a Mosque is in the vicinity of the World Trade Center? There are Mosques all over this nation. Islam is not the Taliban. Islam is a religion based on peace, the Taliban is a "right wing, conservative" version of this religion. Just like skin heads here in America.

I am absolutely furious that people think this is okay. I'm not a Christian, but I do not hate on those who are. I am not a religious person... never have been and probably never will be. But, if you want to believe in God and practice religion, ANY RELIGION, I say "more power to you." God is a powerful concept, and for some people, I believe a very important individual. Religion helps give people faith that this life is not all there is... that there is more to life and death. That heaven exists.

But, what I find so perplexing is, if all religious people are preaching and believing in almost the exact same thing (just through different ways and Gods), then why is there so much hate. What God would say hate is okay, especially to another religious person. I don't know a lot about religion, but I'm pretty sure it teaches something about tolerance. About love.

Oh wait, I think that means tolerance and love ONLY if you believe in exactly what I believe in. How dare we try and understand each other.

Also, burning the Quran accomplishes nothing except only spreading more anger and hate. Apparently he was quoted to say something about this proving that all Muslims are terrorists because they will be so mad they will retaliate. How ignorant and mean a statement. First off, HE is the one starting the fight, so who wouldn't retaliate? But, second, it does not prove they are terrorists. That's an outlandish and foolish statement. It's ignorant.

On a completely different tangent, I'm sick of watching the Democrats fight against the Republicans, and vice versa. I used to like politics. Got excited to vote for my first presidency. But, I'm starting to realize it's all pointless. I will most likely not be voting this November. I do not see one side/one candidate that I want to represent me. Every politician is only out for personal gain. They do not care that America is drowning under it's own weight... just as long as they make it, everything will be just fine.

I used to question the idea of socialized health care. That people would use it as a free ride. However, the older I get, I realize how ignorant of a thought that was. I didn't know that people actually get turned down from health insurance they will fully pay for because they are a health risk. Yea, that means if you are a sick individual and NEED health insurance, you have a lower chance of getting it. You are forced to wade through hundreds of thousands of medical bills. People die with so much debt and it's passed on to their families. "Sorry that your father died before his insurance could be processed, but here are his bills."

In other countries no one is denied healthcare. Sure, you may have to wait on a procedure if it's not an emergency, but if it is an emergency, you are bumped up and receive exceptional care. The same health care we receive here in America. Our politicians media have made us believe that Canadians/British/Australians are DYING in waiting rooms because of free health care. Sure, sometimes people do die in waiting rooms overseas.

But, guess what, they die in our waiting rooms everyday, too. And, those people were paying good money.

Personally, I'd rather die for free, then die having paid a copay and a $500 a month insurance premium. We both end up in the same ground.

I do believe everyone should work hard. No one should be given a free ride. But, giving free basic healthcare is not giving people a free ride. I believe it should be the Government's responsibility.

I believe the Government should provide good, quality FREE education as well. Man, am I a radical or what.

Look, people say all these "socialist" ideas will raise our taxes, and they're unwilling to pay. But, last time I looked at an American pay check, or looked at a receipt from the grocery store, I AM being taxed. A lot. And, honestly, I'm not seeing a whole lot come from it.

I am up to my eyeballs in student loans and do not have health insurance (since I am unemployed and not a student).

People from other countries go to school for free or really cheap and receive the same, if not better education. We go to school less days then the rest of the world, are in class less hours, and some how we pay so much more. How is that logical?

The thing that I'm getting at is, America is falling. We've been falling for awhile, and I believe it's going to be awhile before we are on top again. We are no longer the country that everyone looks to. We are not the strongest economically. Other countries are surpassing us. And, I believe it's only going to get worse.

It's not Obama's fault. It's not Bush's fault. It's EVERYONE'S fault. If only we could stop pointing fingers and actually come together to fix our nation... as Americans.

Michaela

"I like it when you see a person as a shell and you can't understand the million stories they have inside them."

I've been back in America for over a week now. This blog fell off towards the end of my travels, and I apologize for that, but I do have a few reasons for it... lack of Internet and lack of words. I did intend for this blog to end when I left Australia, but I left it so abrubtly and with no explaination of "the end" and my week in LA. So... here it goes.

I boared the V Australia flight from Sydney to LA at 8pm on Monday the 20th. Arron had accompanied me to the airport, as he had to fly back to Melbourne later that evening. I put off going through security/customs as long as I could, until it was actually time to board. I didn't want to say goodbye. I was sitting at the airport, next to Arron, when I wrote that last blog. I had read his blog post he'd written about me, and I was speechless when it came to responding. How do you say goodbye to a person you've grown so close to in 10 months time?

Sure, we'll probably see each other again, but when you meet friends abroad it's like the friendship has an expiration date. At a certain date in the near future you have to part ways, not exactly knowing when the next meet up point will be. That's a hard idea to grasp. Sure, there is facebook and MSN, but nothing ever compares to being able to call up your bestfriend and share a random story, send a ridiculous text, or just meet up for a random tuesday in the city.

We travelled Australia together, lived and worked together... shared the highest and lowest of times. Some of my favourite moments together include walking along Bondi or Coogee beaches and eating ice cream. or, just sitting on cliffs over looking the waves. We skydived together on my birthday, trying our best to grab life by the balls. I remember the moment he saved me when I came to Melbourne, broke and lost. He taught me how to ice skate and gave me a new appreciation for hockey. He calls me out on my crap, doesn't let me get away with much, and laughs at my jokes (well, most of them).

He's been everything from my best friend to my boyfriend. So, I hugged him as long as I could and tried not to cry. Proud to say I only got a little teary. FInally, I had to go. I turned around and walked towards customs. Towards home.

I arrived in Los Angeles about 13 hours later at 5pm on September 20th. It's weird, cause when you travel to Australia you lose one whole day of your life. I will never get November 1st, 2009, back. But, coming back, you only gain 3 hours. Seems unfair.

Anyways, I met my friend Lizzo, who if you remember is the girl I met in Sydney and lived with. She now lives in LA, trying to make it in the industry.

I've never had a good impression of LA, but I figured I'd give it a chance. Over the week I've seen Hollywood and the walk of stars, The Grove and famous Farmers Market, Torrance/Redondo beach, Laguna Beach, Newport Beach, Venice Beach and boardwalk, and experienced record breaking 113 degree heat (45 celcius)!

I've gone through moment of hating America.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home. -Sir Winston Churchill

I hate our money... it's impractical (make money that doesn't tear and can't be destroyed in the wash). I hate tipping... it's impractical (give higher wages to all employees/higher minimum wage). I hate having to add tax onto purchases (just include it in the price... write $8.30 as opposed to $7.99). I've had my moment of having to adjust back to there being so many Hispanics around. Don't take that the wrong way, I don't have anything against them, but I've gone a year without hearing any Spanish, then BAM! it's everywhere. In Australia, Asians are everywhere... in America, it's Mexicans.

Although, I will say, I only got honked/whistled at twice my entire time in Australia... I was in LA a week and I was already up in the double digits. Ahh... welcome home.

I flew back to Nashville on Tuesday and surprised my parents at home, since they didn't think I was coming home until the beginning of November.

It's weird being back. Being in the same place where my life was such a hell last year. I'm sitting in the same room where I had so many breakdowns exactly a year ago. One of the first things I did when I got back was reread some of the poems/songs/stories I had saved on a harddrive. They are both painful and liberating to read. It's painful to know I was in that place, not realizing that I was so close to escaping it... but, it's liberating because I can sit here now and know what happy feels like.

I'm so glad to see you smiling So good to hear your laugh I think that you've found you even Missed yourself I'm only asking this because I think that Truth be told Oh, you'll never go again

I was worried before I came back that I could fall back into my old life. That nothing would have changed. And, I was right to a certain extent... not much has changed. Life is pretty much the same. My parents still do the same things, my dog still demands the same walks and treats, the same maintenance men still work in my complex, and the same neighbors still live around me. But, what has changed is me. I am a different person. Well, still the amazing Michaela you all know and love, but I am a BETTER version of myself. I am happy with who I am. Sure, it takes work. And, being home is a struggle, but I won't sink back into who I was because I am better than that.

Arron keeps asking me what it is like to be back, and he's not sure how it will be for him. It's not something I can't say or write down (having trouble at the moment, as I type). I watch the news and just shake my head at my country. I laugh at the people at restaurant and grocery stores. I find the southern accent so amusing (and I seem to notice it A LOT more now).

I'm home. I feel like I'm at home... I never, ever thought it would.

And, part of it feels like I never left. But, the memories I have and the amazing people that I miss, remind me I did. I miss everyone, a lot.

And, this blog has turned out A LOT cheesier than I intended.

But, this is the end to my Australian blog. I believe I will update this from time to time, as a personal blog, but I am officially ending my Australian Adventure.

I may still have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Not sure what I want to do. I'm single and I am completely free to do WHATEVER I want.

How liberating is that.

Until next time,

Michaela

It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent