I know some of you have been waiting for me to write again. I cannot apologize as I've really had nothing to say or no idea how to put my thoughts into writing. But, today I am going to try, as a promise to someone very close to me, to start communicating my feelings better.
I've always had trouble expressing my emotions to people and live most of my life in a walled up box of emotions that I'm unable to even explain to myself. I went to Thailand as a sort of escape from both reality and my head. And, while Thailand helped me, in a way it has perpetuated a problem for far too long and is now exploding in front of me.
This problem is my ability to run from everything. I have issues (always have) keeping friends because I just can't express anything real or figure out how to reach out and empathize. It's hurt my relationships from day one.
But, I'm back and trying to be a better person, both for those close to me and for myself.
Thailand reaffirmed that I can live on my own. I am comfortable being a stranger. But, one thing I have never actually taken the time to do is be comfortable being known. I mean commiting fully to realiationships, whether that me romantically, friendly or family. So, my goal for 2015 is to learn to be comfortable in my skin in a world that I have lived my whole life. No travel. No escaping. Just being honest with myself.
These last two months have been filled with waves of crippling depression, restlessness and bouts of happiness. But, for once I don't feel like running. I'm facing this head on.
2014 has been amazing and filled with the best memories. Thailand was a wild ride and I miss it almost everyday. But, Des Moines, Iowa, is where my heart is currently and I'm very excited for what 2015 has in store.
