Not quite a victory, to run from your problems

I know some  of you have been waiting for me to write again. I cannot apologize as I've really had nothing to say or no idea how to put my thoughts into writing.  But, today I am going to try, as a promise to someone very close to me, to start communicating my feelings better.

I've always had trouble expressing my emotions to people and live most of my life in a walled up box of emotions that I'm unable to even explain to myself.  I went to Thailand as a sort of escape from both reality and my head. And, while Thailand helped me, in a way it has perpetuated a problem for far too long and is now exploding in front of me.

This problem is my ability to run from everything.  I have issues (always have) keeping friends because I just can't express anything real or figure out how to reach out and empathize.  It's hurt my relationships from day one.

But, I'm back and trying to be a better person, both for those close to me and for myself.

Thailand reaffirmed that I can live on my own.  I am comfortable being a stranger.  But, one thing I have never actually taken the time to do is be comfortable being known.  I mean commiting fully to realiationships, whether that me romantically, friendly or family. So, my goal for 2015 is to learn to be comfortable in my skin in a world that I have lived my whole life.  No travel. No escaping. Just being honest with myself.

These last two months have been filled with waves of crippling depression, restlessness and bouts of happiness. But, for once I don't feel like running.  I'm facing this head on.

2014 has been amazing and filled with the best memories. Thailand was a wild ride and I miss it almost everyday.  But, Des Moines, Iowa, is where my heart is currently and I'm very excited for what 2015 has in store.

Still into you.

I had promised myself I would be as honest as possible in my writings and cover both the good and the bad. Because, at the end of the day, this blog is for me. I still go back and read my Australia posts, just to remind myself where I was and where I am now.

My year and a half relationship has ended. Surprise. Surprise... Another long distance relationship bites the dust.

Sometimes the vision you see for your life and the one you work hard to build isn't shared by the person you love. Sometimes, you're not even loved the way you want to be. And, sometimes your life diverges so far from the person you once used to walk side by side with.

I made my shoes shine with my coal, 

but my polish didn't shine the hole

-modest mouse, edit the sad parts

The positive in all this is I have started a long road to realizing what I want in life and future partners. The last month has included a lot of soul searching.

I still stand firm on no marriage and no kids. But... I don't think love is so scary. Not as scary as it used to be. It's kind of nice to have someone to love you and come home to.

I know that person is out there somewhere. Hopefully, they're adventurous and climbing a mountain in Nepal or partying in the streets of Ecuador.

Anyways... I wanted to write to say goodbye to what was and welcome what comes next. I'm sad and hurt... But, heck... I'm in Thailand! What's there to be sad about?! And, perhaps... It just hasn't hit. Hasn't registered in my brain. I'm not looking forward to when it does.

Tomorrow morning I leave for a school camping trip for a couple days. 

Next on the blog will be... Toilets. Per request!

I've Never...

There are so many things I could write after that...

"I've never..."

And, I'm ashamed to say more often than not my fear keeps me from actually doing a lot of the things I've never done. For example:

I've never sang karaoke.

I can't sing. Have a fear of singing. I don't like being the center of attention. And, I really don't like loud noises. Karaoke combines all of this into one little bubbly connection of misery.

But, each class had a New Years party and I showed up to one of my favorite classes, EIS 5 (that stands or English Integration and the 5 is the grade, similar to our 11th). They had food, presents and... Karaoke.  They insisted I sing. I insisted I not. But, they won and I did. Lets just say they weren't pleading at me to do another :)

There are no videos of me singing, but there's the real party :) Happy New Year!

You're the only one you've got.

I've never been very good at following through with things, hence I haven't written in here since November... NOVEMBER! 

 Let me just apologize sincerely, say some stupid excuse like I've been busy, and lets move on, shall we? :D 

 The top 10 things I did in Decemer you may care about, in no particular order...

 1) I saw the Mekong River. It's the world's twelfth longest river. Okay, so it doesn't even break the top 10, but hey, it's got an amazing, bloody history. And, I could wave at Laos. It was kind of cool.

 2) I have learned to count to 999,999 in Thai. One of these days I'll get around to learning a million, but I don't make that much money so it's not pertinent. I can have basic conversations in Thai and even haggle!! Three months ago I was wide eyed and so naive. I get ripped off less and less nowadays. 

 3) I celebrated the Chinese Holidays with the Chinese Thais. I ate egg wontons and spring rolls and cheered on a big, dancing Tiger. 

 4) I celebrated Christmas with my Buddhist Thai students. We sang Christmas carols, made ornaments (which, I am still finding glitter on EVERYTHING I own), and played games. I also judged a dance completion, complete with Lady boys, short skirts, horrible lip synching and choreography and provocative hip shakes. Thai-style! 

And, I danced my butt of for 3 minutes in front of 2,000 high school students. 

 5) I started to accept myself for the imperfect person I am. I never say the right things at the right time. I'm an okay listener, but can't give advice to save my life. I either over lecture or I just say "suck it up." I forget to respond to messages and am overall just not a person who knows how to open up to people. I'm uncomfortable in gatherings and much prefer one on one.  I struggle to find peace within my mind, in order to be peaceful, I must always be on the move. But, I'm learning to be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend and all around person. I'm stubborn as hell, but I promise I'm listening and I read all your comments and feel truly love and blessed by all those in my life. Even though I may never say it. I practice yoga regularly now and am finally learning to calm my mind.

See... Even this post is jumbled. Mom, remember in Kindergarten when I got an F for story telling? Yep. Still failing. 

Anyways, December made me face a lot of things I have ignored for awhile. Thank you to those of you who are helping me be a better person.

 6) I celebrated Sports Day. Now, as I write this I'm still not entirely sure what its for. But, most schools around Thailand celebrate Sports Day for a couple of days. There were marching bands, drill teams, ladyboy dancers, and Olympic style competition between colored teams! 

7) I visited my first Thai each. Koh Samet sits about 3 hours east if Bangkok. It's a National Park and is a popular weekend trip for Bangkok-dwelling Thais. I lounged all day on beautiful beaches, got multiple massages (a word of warning... Oil massages in Thai include being completely nude, minus underwear if you choose, and they massage everything. Ever had a boob massage from a complete stranger? I have.), ate lots of beach food and celebrated New Years on the beach. What a wonderful way to end 2013. 

 8) I've learned a bit of Japanese. Justin will tell you I'm horrible, but proud to say I've learned 7 words now.

 9) I learned that going 4 months without a cheeseburger makes a cheeseburger so. damn. delicious.

 10) I made and strengthened friendships with people around the world.

Here is to a wonderful 2014 where I promise to (try) to be a little less stubborn, angry and judgmental and a lot for smiley, fun, caring and open.

Hope you are able to look inside, be honest with yourself and start fixing you, too!

Love, Michaela 

The Tuk Tuk.

The day my Tuk Tuk decided the sidewalk would be faster.

Thai tradition meditative dance.

Watch the first video all the way to the last.

Somdet pittayakom students.

The Merit Ceremony

This is the ceremony I went to back in October and that I wrote about a few weeks ago.

Love, Maggie, Michaela and a pair of very happy chicken feet.

Turkey is hard to come by here...

Happy thanksgiving from the Thai table to your table!

I shouldn't write posts when I'm hungry...

Maybe there is someone out there googling blogs about teaching in thailand. Maybe someone is contemplating choosing CIEE or OEG or another program. Maybe they're doing exactly what I did for months on end: obsess over everything Thailand online. Maybe, even, they're thinking of coming to teach in Somdet at Somdetpittayakom school. (Fun fact: pittayakom in Thai means knowledge house. So, that indeed reads Somdet Knowledge House School.  The 'school' is only added so western people know learning takes place there!)

Either way, I want to make something clear about living abroad that people who have never done it don't understand. 

I am living a regular, ol' normal life. I still pay bills. I have to go grocery shopping. Budget. I have to work. And, yes I do work about 40 hours a week. Between lesson planning for 18 different classes, grading and going to functions, I'm busy. Am I less busy than I was in the states? Of course. Do I make less? Hell yes. Traveling happens sparingly.

There is an American teacher I work with that complains everyday how we work too many days and need more breaks. I want to make it clear that I would never complain about this. I love my job and the people I work with. I get free accommodation. Free wifi. Free computer use. I spend $5 or less a day. I play games for a job. And, I live in Thailand where it never snows.

I have rode elephants, rafted down a river, swam in a river in the jungle, partied in Bangkok, rode a bike up a mountain, got lost in sugarcane fields, got excited when I found real cheddar cheese, been chased by dogs, watched Thai dancing, been to temples older than I can fathom, rode a Tuk Tuk, rode an even scarier motorbike, and tried chicken joints.

Adventure doesn't have to be big. Life doesn't have to be grand in order to be enjoyed.

So, my point is, if you are looking into this life understand the two sides. No, it's not backbreaking work. But, no it's not a holiday.  You'll have amazing, jaw dropping moments, but most days are uneventful. You'll read. Boil some rice. And, you'll curl up in bed with a cup of tea and greet the little ant that's decided to join you, the gecko on your wall and the spider living under your bed.

And, no matter what you're doing, be happy.

oh... and for the love of God... Remember to stop and appreciate the cheese... Because you'll never know how much you miss it until its gone.

Oh... And, salsa... Fajitas... Nachos.

My god. I'm having a breakdown. And, this post no longer has a point.

Peace.

And, send Mexican... Please.

He who laughs most, learns best.

"Stand up please," a small voice, in broken English, says from amongst 50 bodies.

The students stand and in unison say "good morning teacher."

I laugh. "Good morning. How are you?"

"I am fine. How are you?" They respond back.

"I'm good, thank you. Have a seat."

This happens every class, 17 times a week.

My morning starts promptly at 815am, Monday to Friday. I join my fellow teachers at assembly, where we listen as thousands of students sing the national anthem and state a prayer to Buddha. Announcements are read and sometimes awards are given. This morning, a few students sang and danced.

Theoretically, assembly ends at 840 and class begins, but this is rarely the case. Thai time... Everything begins late.

The one thing I always remind myself is: I'm here to have fun. I came here to learn how to play. When time starts bothering me, I ask "what's the rush? What is it I am so worried about missing?" If they don't care, why should I?

Once class does begin, after the introduction, chaos ensues.

And, I say chaos in the nicest of ways.

Now, I plan for every class. I have a timeline and objectives and things I want to accomplish. Do things ever work out as planned?

Hell no.

I have had classes where I couldn't even get the students to stand up out of their chairs, even after stating it multiple times, writing it on the board and acting it out.

I have had students just answer their cell phone in class. Students braiding hair. Sleeping. Whittling a sword out of a stick.

I have started one game, after clearly going over the instructions and the students stating they understand, to ending up playing whatever game the students apparently thought we were playing.  

My favorite occurred yesterday. The topic  this week is weather. I spent time going over weather words and having the students repeat them and understand what they meant. Then it was game time. I explained we would be competing: team one vs team two. I would pass a sheet around with A to Z on it. Write one weather word on a letter and pass. The team with the most words in 5 minutes wins.

What did I end up with? A sheet with words such as "pencil," "cat," "happy..." The only weather word was "fog."

But, I declared team two a winner for their ability to excel at a game only they knew they were playing!

There are moments when I bite my tongue. Frustrations bubble over. I even ask "can anyone in here even walk?" (When I was trying to act out walking and I was met with blank stares.) I have stood in silence at the front of the room for 5 minutes when it got so loud I couldn't hear myself think. I have not been able I find my class before. And today, they didn't even show up.

But, really, the bad is so little and stupid compared to the good.

Seriously.

If you are ever having a bad day, all you need to hear is one student tell you "teacher, you are so beautiful" to change your mood. (To hear 5 say it in a row is life changing!) 

I love when my games work. And, it's even better when the students ask to play it again because they liked it AND understood it.  And, the icing on the cake? When students actually learn and produce something back to you that they didn't know yesterday. It's wonderful.

Thai smiles are infectious. They laugh at almost anything and love to have fun.

Every day is filled with games and they get so excited, boasting when they win. 

My day ends at 4pm and I make my way either home or to the track at school to run. I'm sent away by waves and smiles and "good bye, teacher!"

While, it can be frustrating to teach to a room of kids who can't understand a word you're saying, it's also 10 times more rewarding. I have learned more random Thai words (Muay means boxing while Moi means pubic hair... An awkward mix up), I have become less self conscious (it's hard to be self conscious when your life is one big game of charades) and I have just learned to laugh. 

Oh... And I've learned to ride a bicycle in a pencil skirt, without flashing the world!

Until next time...

Mâi khâo jai.

The title is "I don't understand" in Thai. Nothing sums up the last 3 weeks of my life more. 

To start, back at the end of October I was invited to a merit ceremony. Merit ceremonies are a Buddhist celebration for the dead. In life, you earn merit by doing good for yourself, others and Buddha. When you die, it becomes your family's responsibility to earn merit for you.  So, the result is a party in which the whole village is invited to. 

The party begins with a feast. Typical dishes include sticky rice, pork curries, open-flame cooked fish, meat balls and stewed veggies and chicken wings.  My favorite dish is Pad Krapow Moo, which can be found at any party, local restaurant or school canteen. It's stir fried pork with holy basil. So yummy!

After you are sufficiently full (it's rude to be the first to stop eating!) you then join the other partiers for a parade around the village.  Buddhists believe it is bad luck to turn left, so in a clockwise fashion you move around town. You hold some sort of merit to honor the dead and you walk and dance your way with the fellow partiers and the stragglers you pick up as you pass their house. 

After you end up back where you began, it's time for another meal, typically a sweet dish or a savory soup. Pom (my school coordinator whose Dad was the one we were honoring) provided us both savory and sweet: banana and sticky rice wrapped in banana leaves, coconut sticky rice in banana leaves, and pork fat soup (which is pork meat and congealed fat floating around in pork broth).  After you're again stuffed to the brim, it's now time to pray.  Monks show up and chant as the sun sets, honoring the deceased and granting him merit.  All guests are to bring a gift for the monks or to donate money. This is how the deceased gets merit.

Thai Buddhists honor and respect water, so it ends with a water ritual. Guests bow and honor the monks and watch them depart. Then, it's time for meal number three. 

At this point, Maggie and I decide to leave, as we can't fathom eating another bite and it's very exhausting to be the only white people at a foreign event. You are asked to be in every picture and are asked to sit at every table to talk to everyone, even though every conversation consists of "where from?" "America" ...silence... As this is where their English ends and my lack of Thai begins.

It's hard to describe what it's like here. I get accused of not sharing enough, but I find it hard to sit down and write exactly what happens everyday. 

Just going to the store is an adventure. Buying a bottle of wine in this country is an event. Thais don't understand wine, don't believe women should drink and just plain don't understand english. You ask for dry red, they bring sweet wine. Well, okay, that works, too.

Coffee, as well, is an adventure. Thai people do instant coffee or espresso: there is no drip coffee, even at Starbucks (which I have to travel 2 hours for the nearest Starbucks)!  The other day I ordered a double espresso, no sugar, no milk. I asked her if she understood and she said yes... I ended up with two iced coffees, one with sugar, one with milk. 

I have started to get into the groove of life here. I do have two regular coffee shops I go back and forth from (don't worry, they understand what a double espresso is!). I have a chicken shop I frequent and I can finally speak a whole conversation in Thai with the lady! She gets the biggest smile on her face every time, even though I am just ordering chicken and negotiating price. It's the little victories, I suppose. I have a regular route to school and a regular routine after work. I run at the school. I am in a yoga club, which meets twice a week. I do additional English lessons outside of school and have traveled for a spelling bee competition where I was the word-reader. I know the local dogs, which ones to pet and which ones to avoid. I have gotten used to people petting my arms and hair and proclaiming "soi!" ("beautiful!") over and over. I know... What a hard life. But, when people follow you and try to touch you and take pictures with you when all you're trying to do is buy toilet paper, it gets to be a bit much. But, no one means any harm. They don't understand me as much as I don't understand them. 

And, in a place this beautiful, all I can proclaim is "Mai Pen Rai" (No worries!"

The sunset over the lake at my school!

Next blog will be about my ups and downs as an English teacher!

Not all pizzas are created equal.

I've had mind blowing pizza. Just plain good pizza. Bad pizza. Strange pizza (chili cheese dog pizza...)... I've eaten a lot of different pizza.

Of all of these pizzas, not one of them combined mayonnaise and ketchup.

Maggie (the other farang teacher) and I were wondering the streets trying to find food and everything was closed! Finally, we spotted a pizza stand (we had never seen it before).  Two teenagers giddily take our order. One medium shrimp pizza and one medium cheese. We wait anxiously on the curb while they place it into a steam based oven.  

While waiting, we spot a sausage stand and Maggie claims I have to try one. Thai sausage is spicy and delicious! So, we buy two. 

The young girl flags us over, excitedly letting us know our pizza is ready. We pay and walk on.

While we scope out a spot to sit, we take out the sausages on a stick to eat. I was so excited as I love sausages! 

This was... Different. It was a Thai sausage, noodle dish rolled up in sausage form. It was filled with veggies, pork and glass noodles. Maggie proclaimed this is not at all what she has had before! So, I still need to sample Thai spicy sausage. This was just okay.

So, now we are excited for our pizza.  We find a spot to sit by the lake, open up our pizzas and start to dig in.

Mine was: crust, a layer of mayonnaise, cheese, ketchup drizzled on top.

Maggie's was that with shrimp baked inside.

I managed to eat half (American size personal pizza), Maggie took three bites and have up.

Of all the American trends they could've picked up on... They choose mayonnaise and ketchup... And put them on pizza.

Don't be fooled by its delicious exterior!

Melting pot.

In Somdet I am one of three white faces. One being a 70 year old man. Another being a 40 year old woman.  To say I am the minority is an understatement. The town is about 10,000 people and about 10 people speak english. I go out of my house and am stared at every step of the way. I have learned its not just because I'm white. It's because I'm a young woman. Typically young Thai woman are not seen out alone. Especially at night.

Now, please don't misunderstand. These are incredibly nice people. They smile and wave if I do. They're curious.

Only 1% of tourists visit northeast Thaialnd (otherwise called Isaan). They are intrigued by me and my funny way of doing things, just as much as I am intrigued by them.

After being here for exactly 10 days I found myself craving western food and culture. So, to give in, I have treated myself to a trip to the big city (laughing)!

I am in Khon Kaen, Thailand. It's the gateway to Isaan and it's as big as Des Moines, but it's the happening big city in these parts, so I took the three hour bus ride out west.

I currently sit in a German brewpub, with Thai servers that wai (bow) at you as you enter while saying "hello, good evening" in perfect English. They bring me a large German dark beer, brewed on site.  

First off, I had the choice between large and small for my beer... I chose large and it is a half liter. I have to remind myself I'm in a whiskey culture, not a beer culture!

As I sit enjoying my Thai German beer, a Thai hipster band begins to play cheesy Thai AND American music. They alternate between the two. The best part? They are dressed in all white, matching, with their brown leather vests!

I was going to order food, but as I looked over the menu, I found myself craving the mystery Thai street meats and the confusion of the streets.  I may not know what I'm eating, but damn, it's good.

So, while my life can be frustrating nowadays, it's not without rewards.  I have been both ripped off and rewarded by Thai people that don't speak a word of English. You cannot let the ones who rip you off ruin those that don't.

I have been given random motorbike rides by strangers when I looked lost.  I have been given free food when I forgot to bring the right amount of baht.  I have been bowed at and smiled at with more enthusiasm over the last 10 days than I have seen my whole life.  Thai people frustrate and amaze me in equal amounts every single hour of every single day.

So, I will finish my German beer as I listen to the Thai guy with gauges and hipster pants serenade me in Thai, then venture onto the crazy streets. I will have no idea what's going on, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

My dunkel beer.

He kept posing and winking at me.

Massaged.

When a Thai woman asks you to take off your pants, you just do it.

There I was, pants-less, in a Thai massage parlor, getting my feet massaged by a cute, young Thai girl.  And, not only do they work your feet, they massage your calves, shins, thighs, hips and groin!  

There is a moment when your leg is up over a Thai girls shoulder, and she's massaging your upper hamstring and her face is a foot away from your bare bottom, that you question your life's decisions.  But, I am here to say, 300 baht (9 American dollars) bought me the best hour long massage! I didn't receive a 'happy ending,' but they did give me honey tea, which made me very happy :)

The land of smiles

It's hot. Which, it's apparently the start of winter here, so it scares me what summer brings. I sweat through my clothes, change, then sweat through those, too.  Luckily, my hotel in Bangkok has a nice shower! I may not be so lucky next week...

I can't complain about anything here. The food is delicious and plentiful.

(Breakfast)

The coffee is strong!

(Snack time!)

And, the beer is cheap and cold!

(Local beer)

My days are long and filled with learning Thai and teaching techniques. And, sleep is restless due to jet lag. I'm 12 hours ahead of Iowa... A cause for confusion on my body.

However, the country is beautiful and filled with lovely people.

(The Royal Palace)

(Cleansing myself)

(Shoes are always taken off before entering a building!)

Til next time!

Sa wad dee ka

Greetings from Bangkok! A bus ride, two ten hour flights with a seven hour layover and I have arrived!

The things that I have learned so far:

The lines on the street are merely a suggestion to follow, not a rule.

They drive on the "wrong" side of the road.  Always look RIGHT then LEFT!

The king is on all the money, do not step on it!

100 baht sounds like a lot, but it isn't. 9 baht for a liter of water is so close to it being free.

That's it for today. Orientation starts tomorrow.

Chat soon :)

Renegade

I remember back to before I had my tattoo. I went back and forth on what I would get. It had to mean something, but what?

Eventually, I settled on the words "I hope you dance," which are from a song I have always cherished and from a quote that I try to live by. The next decision was where I was going to get it. Would I have an image with it?

I would toss ideas back and forth... I would ask people where I should go and who I should call, but if I was given a contact, I never called. I just couldn’t commit.

But, one night I just went. I don’t know why, I just found myself in front of a tattoo shop that had the blinking “open” out front. I was alone. My friends weren’t available to accompany me. After staring at the front door for awhile, I finally just walked in and said I want the word “renegade” on my wrist. WHAT? This was not part of the plan… but, it just felt right.

So, I did. And, the word renegade sits boldly on the palm side of my wrist. Nothing fancy, but the meaning is deep.

And when I get there
It won’t be far enough
I’m a renegade
It’s in my blood
If ever I get there
It won’t be fast enough
I’m a renegade
I always was

It’s been three years since I wrote about traveling. Three is such a small word for such a significant amount of time. So much has happened in the last three years while I’ve seemingly been standing still. I found a “real” job and have made my mark in the corporate world and just as quickly left and been replaced, because that’s how the corporate world works. I have made friends in fitness and found levels of strength in myself I had no idea existed. I’ve learned the places to go in Des Moines. I’ve become part of a city that I never wanted a part of, and I’ve never been happier about that statement. I have met a guy that I have fallen for in senses of that word I never understood. And, while I never thought I could “settle” I’ve learned that I’m happy staying put as long as I can find ways to still grow. I have painted. Tried new beers. Learned I love wine. I have drank Tequila in Mexico and drank tequila in Des Moines (one is better than the other). I rode a motorcycle. I ran a mud race. I played in the snow. I watched football. I played football. I drove a stick. I swam in the Mississippi river. I conquered fears and I acquired new ones at the same time.

And, while I haven’t blogged or felt that I had a story worth sharing with the masses, that doesn’t mean that the last three years have been any less meaningful… No, not at all. If anything, they’ve meant more. They’ve meant I can be anything and be okay anywhere. I just have to be surrounded by the right people.

But, with that ode to the past, I begin a new future.

That’s right, folks… I’m moving on and that is taking me to Thailand. Let me just say a few things to clear up some confusion:
1. No, I don’t speak Taiwanese and no, I don’t plan to learn it.
2. No, I have not seen the Hangover 2 and no, I don’t plan on it.

Now that is out of the way… here’s the story. I’m going to be teaching in an area just outside of Lampang, Thailand. Lampang sits about six hours north of Bangkok and is about two hours southeast of Ching Mai (the second big tourist city in Thailand). It’s not surrounded by beaches or filled with skyscrapers. It’s surrounded by rice fields, mountains and ceramic factories. Soemngam is rural, about 20,000 people reside here. I will probably be the only, or one of two or three, white people (Thais refer to us as Farangs).

Culture shock.

I have never been a fan of the country. Bugs and I do not see eye to eye. I love the smell of the city and the sound of traffic. But, I’m not here to be comfortable, I’m here to teach and to be taught.

My town does not have a grocery store, it has nightly markets. My town is Buddhist. There are no fast food restaurants. I’ll be teaching at an all girls, secondary school.

I hope to grow up a little and to learn something I never knew about myself. What that is yet, I do not know, but I will let you know once I do. And, I’m sure it will come in some hard, embarrassing lesson. It usually does.

So, until then… I have one month left before I kickoff 8,500 miles away, I’m going to sit back and try to enjoy my last few months in the Midwest. And, once I get to Thailand I will update you periodically on my life at this blog, even thought it's titled Michaela in Oz. Because, OZ means a bizarre and unreal place. And, that's where my life is taking me... down a bizarre path that I'm very excited to share with you.

Until next time.

"The old me is dead and gone, but the new me will be all right."

Ay, lemme kick it to you right quick man
Not on some gangsta shit man on some real shit
Anybody who been through the same thing
I'm sure you feel the same way

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone, dead and

Ever had one of them days wish you would have stayed home
Run into a group of niggas who gettin' their hate on
You walk by, they get wrong, you reply then shit get blown
Way out of proportion way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one then rush them
Figure you get jumped here that's next
They don't wanna stop there now they bustin'

Now you gushin', ambulance rushin'
You to the hospital with a bad concussion
Plus you hit four times but it hit yo spine
Paralyzed waist down and ya wheelchair bound
Never mind that now you lucky to be alive
Just thinkin' it all started fussin' wit three guys
Nigga pride in the way but your pride is the way you can fuck
Around get shot down any day

Niggas die everyday, all little bullshit
Dope money, dice games, ordinary hood shit
Could this be cuz of hip-hop music
Or did the ones with the good sense not use it?
Usually niggas don't know what to do when they back against the wall
So they just start shootin'
For red or for blue or for blow I guess
From Bankhead at the old projects

No more stress, now I'm straight
Now I get it, now I take time to think
Before I make mistakes just for my family stake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone, dead and

I ain't neva been scared, I live through tragic
Situations could been dead lookin' back at it
Most of that shit didn't even have to happen
But you don't think about it when you out there trappin'
In the apartments hangin', smokin' and rappin'
Niggas start shit next thing we know we cappin'
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now I think about that what a life I had

Most of that shit look back just laugh
Some shit still look back get sad
Thinkin' my home boy still be around
Had I not hit the nigga in the mouth that time
I won that fight I lost that war
I could still see my nigga walkin' out that door
Who would of thought I'd never see Philant no more
Got enough dead homies I don't want no more

Cuz a nigga his jump cost me more
I'd a took that ass whoopin' out for sure
Now think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripes
A nigga put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there talk shit all night
Cuz I hit you and you sue me
I shoot you get locked up poor me

No more stress now I'm straight
Now I get it now I take time to think
Before I make mistake just for my family stake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright
I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright, 'cause

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone, dead and gone

I AM NO LONGER WRITING HERE... BOUNCE ON OVER TO THEREALMICKEYC.TUMBLR.COM!

It's been real.
It's been fun.

Love,
Michaela

Home... Home (on the range)...

I'm baaaaaack. Back home, that is.

I got back Monday, started work Wednesday, and am here on a cold Thursday night waiting for The Big Bang Theory to come on at 7 and my chili to be done cooking on the stove! What a great life.

Halloween was amazing, being back in Des Moines! I dressed up as a ballerina the first night and a bunny/cat the second night. Thursday night we went to Westend, the old college bar we used to go to, and had a few drinks and flirted with the really cute (young) bartender. It was great to see old friends and see the town I spent four years of my life!

Some exciting things to come in my life...

Love,

Michaela

“If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time.

I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I know of very few things I would take seriously.

I would take more trips. I would be crazier.

I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.

I would do more walking and looking.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would have more actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones.”

-written by a Friar in a Nebraska monastery