"You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes"

I remember when I was young and it was just my mom and I.  I knew that I had a father somewhere, but he wasn't around.  Sometimes I would see him at Christmas, but really all I got excited for was the extra presents.  My father was a second thought.  It never really bothered me, though.  My parents divorced when I was young enough that I never thought twice about it being any different.  I mean, I knew other kid's parents weren't divorced, but my life didn't seem that bad.  My mom and I were best friends and we didn't need a man in our lives to make it okay.

I've lived my whole life this way.  When my step-dad came into the picture, I rejected the idea completely.  I was still young, but old enough to understand now.  It's not that I didn't like him, I did... it's just, it had been just me and my mom for so long... why did it need to change?

But, on the flip side of that, I've always been able to easily adapt to change.  I like change and get bored of most everything after about 3 months.  Perhaps this is due to me moving so much as a kid, or just due to some crazy brain malfunction.  Anyways, even when my step dad came into the picture, I soon adapted.  Sure, we've had our issues, but I didn't see life as bad.  I've never rebelled and generally been happy.  I just knew, in the back of my mind, I never wanted to end up like my mother (no offense, because you've done a hell of a job with a lot of nothing.  I appreciate you so much).

Then, the last two years happened.  God, they sucked.  Looking back on them, especially April 2009, I'm not sure how I survived.  I'm pretty sure I was one step away from hurling myself off a tall building, but in the situation, I never saw it that way.  All I knew is I had let myself fall so hard for someone... I fell so far from where I was that I had no idea how to get out of it.  I was the girl I said I would never be.

What I'm getting at, is fast forward to right now, is I'm growing up.  GASP!  I'm learning that sometimes, even though I resist it all the time, I do like "love."  I like relationships.  I like boys.  Sometimes I think about settling down.  I want someone to like me back.  All those things are starting to occur to me as something I want.  Someday.

Kipp made me be less cynical about love.  He made me believe love exists, because before him, I didn't think it did.  And, I was okay with that thought.  I had never been boy crazy or thought I needed someone else to feel like a whole person.  I'm totally content by myself.  But, Kipp showed me another world.  That I could also be totally content with someone else.  I can have both worlds.

Tonight I realised I'm getting closer to that point.  I'm realising I am human and have emotions... I can be a total girl... even when I deny all the time that I am.  

See, tonight I said good bye (probably forever) to a guy I had a major crush on.  We're talking a total 16-year-old girl crush, where my knees get week and I drool a little when he smiles at me.  I'm not sure why, but I just was... I was crushing hard.  He worked at the Icehouse for me, and we slowly gained a friendship.

Tonight, I had to look at him and say bye, wondering what he was thinking.  Did he want to make a move?  Was I stupid for not making one?  So many "what ifs" that I will never know.  That's the killer.  Did he actually like me?  (it's probably better I don't know the answer to this...) :)

Right before this I had also said bye to another friend, Tobias.  When I got on my tram after walking away from Rob, I started to cry.  It's not because I was crying about Rob, it was the idea of it all.  

I was crying because of everything that I've done and learned here, I'm saying goodbye too.  It's becoming so real.  And, Rob was the first guy that I have truly fallen for since Kipp... I realised that I have come full circle.  I have achieved what I needed to achieve... I saw I can move on.  

That's big, man.

I'm okay now, as some man with a thick Romanian accent said to me on the tram "Why are you crying? You are too beautiful to be crying.  Whatever or whoever it is is now in the past.  Not worth it to look back and cry."  

It's true.  I'm looking forward now... to all the adventure that is to come in my life.  This isn't the end of anything... it's merely the beginning.

Love,

Michaela