Renegade

I remember back to before I had my tattoo. I went back and forth on what I would get. It had to mean something, but what?

Eventually, I settled on the words "I hope you dance," which are from a song I have always cherished and from a quote that I try to live by. The next decision was where I was going to get it. Would I have an image with it?

I would toss ideas back and forth... I would ask people where I should go and who I should call, but if I was given a contact, I never called. I just couldn’t commit.

But, one night I just went. I don’t know why, I just found myself in front of a tattoo shop that had the blinking “open” out front. I was alone. My friends weren’t available to accompany me. After staring at the front door for awhile, I finally just walked in and said I want the word “renegade” on my wrist. WHAT? This was not part of the plan… but, it just felt right.

So, I did. And, the word renegade sits boldly on the palm side of my wrist. Nothing fancy, but the meaning is deep.

And when I get there
It won’t be far enough
I’m a renegade
It’s in my blood
If ever I get there
It won’t be fast enough
I’m a renegade
I always was

It’s been three years since I wrote about traveling. Three is such a small word for such a significant amount of time. So much has happened in the last three years while I’ve seemingly been standing still. I found a “real” job and have made my mark in the corporate world and just as quickly left and been replaced, because that’s how the corporate world works. I have made friends in fitness and found levels of strength in myself I had no idea existed. I’ve learned the places to go in Des Moines. I’ve become part of a city that I never wanted a part of, and I’ve never been happier about that statement. I have met a guy that I have fallen for in senses of that word I never understood. And, while I never thought I could “settle” I’ve learned that I’m happy staying put as long as I can find ways to still grow. I have painted. Tried new beers. Learned I love wine. I have drank Tequila in Mexico and drank tequila in Des Moines (one is better than the other). I rode a motorcycle. I ran a mud race. I played in the snow. I watched football. I played football. I drove a stick. I swam in the Mississippi river. I conquered fears and I acquired new ones at the same time.

And, while I haven’t blogged or felt that I had a story worth sharing with the masses, that doesn’t mean that the last three years have been any less meaningful… No, not at all. If anything, they’ve meant more. They’ve meant I can be anything and be okay anywhere. I just have to be surrounded by the right people.

But, with that ode to the past, I begin a new future.

That’s right, folks… I’m moving on and that is taking me to Thailand. Let me just say a few things to clear up some confusion:
1. No, I don’t speak Taiwanese and no, I don’t plan to learn it.
2. No, I have not seen the Hangover 2 and no, I don’t plan on it.

Now that is out of the way… here’s the story. I’m going to be teaching in an area just outside of Lampang, Thailand. Lampang sits about six hours north of Bangkok and is about two hours southeast of Ching Mai (the second big tourist city in Thailand). It’s not surrounded by beaches or filled with skyscrapers. It’s surrounded by rice fields, mountains and ceramic factories. Soemngam is rural, about 20,000 people reside here. I will probably be the only, or one of two or three, white people (Thais refer to us as Farangs).

Culture shock.

I have never been a fan of the country. Bugs and I do not see eye to eye. I love the smell of the city and the sound of traffic. But, I’m not here to be comfortable, I’m here to teach and to be taught.

My town does not have a grocery store, it has nightly markets. My town is Buddhist. There are no fast food restaurants. I’ll be teaching at an all girls, secondary school.

I hope to grow up a little and to learn something I never knew about myself. What that is yet, I do not know, but I will let you know once I do. And, I’m sure it will come in some hard, embarrassing lesson. It usually does.

So, until then… I have one month left before I kickoff 8,500 miles away, I’m going to sit back and try to enjoy my last few months in the Midwest. And, once I get to Thailand I will update you periodically on my life at this blog, even thought it's titled Michaela in Oz. Because, OZ means a bizarre and unreal place. And, that's where my life is taking me... down a bizarre path that I'm very excited to share with you.

Until next time.

"The old me is dead and gone, but the new me will be all right."

Ay, lemme kick it to you right quick man
Not on some gangsta shit man on some real shit
Anybody who been through the same thing
I'm sure you feel the same way

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone, dead and

Ever had one of them days wish you would have stayed home
Run into a group of niggas who gettin' their hate on
You walk by, they get wrong, you reply then shit get blown
Way out of proportion way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one then rush them
Figure you get jumped here that's next
They don't wanna stop there now they bustin'

Now you gushin', ambulance rushin'
You to the hospital with a bad concussion
Plus you hit four times but it hit yo spine
Paralyzed waist down and ya wheelchair bound
Never mind that now you lucky to be alive
Just thinkin' it all started fussin' wit three guys
Nigga pride in the way but your pride is the way you can fuck
Around get shot down any day

Niggas die everyday, all little bullshit
Dope money, dice games, ordinary hood shit
Could this be cuz of hip-hop music
Or did the ones with the good sense not use it?
Usually niggas don't know what to do when they back against the wall
So they just start shootin'
For red or for blue or for blow I guess
From Bankhead at the old projects

No more stress, now I'm straight
Now I get it, now I take time to think
Before I make mistakes just for my family stake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone, dead and

I ain't neva been scared, I live through tragic
Situations could been dead lookin' back at it
Most of that shit didn't even have to happen
But you don't think about it when you out there trappin'
In the apartments hangin', smokin' and rappin'
Niggas start shit next thing we know we cappin'
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now I think about that what a life I had

Most of that shit look back just laugh
Some shit still look back get sad
Thinkin' my home boy still be around
Had I not hit the nigga in the mouth that time
I won that fight I lost that war
I could still see my nigga walkin' out that door
Who would of thought I'd never see Philant no more
Got enough dead homies I don't want no more

Cuz a nigga his jump cost me more
I'd a took that ass whoopin' out for sure
Now think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripes
A nigga put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there talk shit all night
Cuz I hit you and you sue me
I shoot you get locked up poor me

No more stress now I'm straight
Now I get it now I take time to think
Before I make mistake just for my family stake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright
I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright, 'cause

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone, dead and gone

I AM NO LONGER WRITING HERE... BOUNCE ON OVER TO THEREALMICKEYC.TUMBLR.COM!

It's been real.
It's been fun.

Love,
Michaela

Home... Home (on the range)...

I'm baaaaaack. Back home, that is.

I got back Monday, started work Wednesday, and am here on a cold Thursday night waiting for The Big Bang Theory to come on at 7 and my chili to be done cooking on the stove! What a great life.

Halloween was amazing, being back in Des Moines! I dressed up as a ballerina the first night and a bunny/cat the second night. Thursday night we went to Westend, the old college bar we used to go to, and had a few drinks and flirted with the really cute (young) bartender. It was great to see old friends and see the town I spent four years of my life!

Some exciting things to come in my life...

Love,

Michaela

“If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time.

I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I know of very few things I would take seriously.

I would take more trips. I would be crazier.

I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.

I would do more walking and looking.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would have more actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones.”

-written by a Friar in a Nebraska monastery

Everything I ever wished I could've said. "This is my plea... won't you listen?"

"please stop saying things you don't mean
don't expect me to agree
you don't need to drive the point home
so don't baby don't
you don't have to lie to me again
you don't have to try and be my friend
you don't have to tell me that you're better off alone" -Umbrella, Degrassi

"Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love and take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can’" -Dear John, Taylor Swift

"Listen when I say, this can't be
Hear my words, set me free."

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Des Moines, IA. The city I ran from... all the way to Australia. Here I am again, and I forget how pretty it is. The crisp, cold air (whips through straight to the bone). The color of the trees. The skyline. I still love you Des Moines, even though you broke me down.

Things have changed, and I have driven past some of the spots that used to hold such ugly memories from me, and I couldn't think one bad thought. I actually could appreciate them again. The happiness that I thought was perhaps only based on where I was physically; but, alas, it is truly mental. I'm happy... even right next to a campus that, for so long, I thought offered me nothing except heartbreak. I see Drake for what it was... a challenge that I had to overcome. It offered me some amazing friends and amazing lessons. I can look back now and see the fun I had... the crazy moments and the times I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. The late nights and random moments. The close friends and the passerby... every little moment that was so good is still there in my mind, just for so long I couldn't see them because I focused on all the bad. And, the bad was such a tiny moment of my whole Drake career. I can see now that Drake was amazing.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

As I was driving around today I heard this song a few times... September by Daughtry. Beautiful.

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

***

Remember, the bad in your life does not define you... it is how you handle it that makes you who you are. I'm still learning to this day... learning and growing. I still have issues in my life, whether it be personally or external... but, I like to think that I'm learning how to take things in stride, listen to other people before making judgements, and remember to always forgive.

Love,

Michaela

Nu Yawk Citay.

Love this city.

Spent a few days with Rhino (aka Brooke) and now am showing this city to Arron and Vlad.

I will live here some day.

"Life is short, so be young and stupid."

I love fall. It has always been my favorite season.

The colors in the trees and the crunchy leaves on the ground. I like when the air starts to get a little cold and crisp, but the sky is still clear, and sunny.

So, on that subject... an American tradition is high school senior pictures, which I had done in fall. It's been 6 years since I had these taken.

That's six years of my life that hasn't happened yet in these photos. Do you ever do that when you look back at photos, try and see the innocence that was in your eyes? The naivety?

These photos are meant to be a send off from high school and a hello to college. In high school I was a shy girl who just hoped to get out from her hometown; she hoped there was a bigger world. Since this photo was taken I've moved to Iowa, Tennessee and Australia... I've dated and made friends, had broken hearts and lost friends. I've felt like I didn't belong and felt on top of the world. I've cried hard and I've laughed harder.

Six years of life have happened. Do you ever stop to take that in? Take in the weight of that?

Today, I walked home from work on a back pathway, admiring the beautiful orange, brown, golden trees... jumping on all the leaves on the ground, marveling at their crunch. I finished one week of work, being a master office receptionist.

Now, I get to spend the weekend hanging out then going to New York on Tuesday to see Panda and Rhino (aka Arron and Brooke).

Get out and enjoy the weather before it turns brutal!

Love,

Michaela